All neurological reactions in the human body are followed by a “rest period,” a period during which another neurological response is diminished or impossible. Such refractory periods range from milliseconds to minutes.
When you enter someone’s home, you may notice a unique odor. After some time you do not detect it (at least in most homes) because of the olfactory refractory period. The principle is the same in sexual response.
Sexually, refractory periods occur for both men and women. They are not the “beached whale” phenomenon of a man collapsing from sexual fatigue. They are periods of varying duration occurring in both genders during which time direct stimulation to a specific part or area of the body is ineffective, bothersome, or uncomfortable.
Emotionally, there is also a refractory period. We cannot maintain any emotional state indefinitely. In fact, most emotions last only a few seconds. We must change gears or burn out. The same is true for sex. We need to pause, to rest, to take what I call a PON, or post-orgasmic nap; a POR, a post-orgasmic rest, or even a POS, post-orgasmic sleep.
The husband said, “I used to think I had no control over it. I just knew that after I ejaculated, I would be immobilized. I learned that feelings changed in my penis after I ejaculated, but that the refractory thing is the same in my wife and not just in the genitals either. I used to think she could go on forever until she finally told me she felt like I did.”
“Sure,” responded the wife. “I don’t know why men think women are some type of sex machine that once turned on becomes a perpetual-motion instrument that sort of putters out because the man goes to sleep. There are times when to touch my clitoris just hurts. It depends on when, how, and certainly by whom.”
Talk this issue over with your spouse and you can validate it for your own relationship. Refraction is not just physical, not just male, and not always the same. The early perspectives on human sexuality viewed refraction as a response only in the male. It, as with all of the dimensions of sexual response that I have discussed, does not have to follow a predetermined order. Physical and/or emotional refraction can happen anytime in the sexual interaction, depending on emotional state and area of stimulation. If we are bound by the “cycle” concept, we begin to anticipate refraction as the inevitable aftermath of the goal of orgasm, similar to the exhaustion of the long-distance runner. We can touch, hold, talk, and hold, wait and resume sex later. Super sex depends on learning this concept. It will require considerable unlearning, but the rewards for this effort are new levels of intimacy and sexual fulfillment free from psychologically determined physiological limitations.
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